I raised my eyes skyward briefly, knowing I would need the encouragement of Space, let out a deep, long breath, gathered all I had left within, turned around and faced anger. I looked closer, not wanting to trust my vision at first, though I knew it to be true.. Nestled behind her I found fear.
Fear was throwing things and screaming and shouting and pushing and doing anything and everything she could so she was not seen or felt or touched. And she was so desperate to not be known that she used everything within her power to morph into anger so I would not suspect it was her beneath. And as she threw and punched and yelled and kicked she went farther and farther back into the dark; begging to whatever Gods she no longer believed in that I would not dare turn and look for her. And as I approached, her eyes flicked left and right and up and down and were all whites and no pupil and no colour and it seemed as if she were desperately searching for something to grasp but was finding nothing worthy of her trust. And she clamoured for truth and she cried for faith and she begged for mercy to come… But none came.
There was just me.
And her.
I sat down where I was, a fair distance away, and became as quiet as I could. Just breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out.
And I waited.
I asked nothing of her. I let her keep screaming. I knew that height of feeling could only last so long.
And I waited.
Gradually tears began to replace the rage. At first they came in waves so powerful she would rear up and kick out once again with the force of a thousand stallions, not wanting to be grounded and to admit she was so tired of fighting.
And I waited.
Slowly the tears gripped her body tighter and the waves became her flesh and she juddered and shook and held her breath thinking this would somehow help. She screwed her eyes tight shut hoping against hope that if she couldn’t see, then she could not be seen. But the breath still came and eventually her eyes opened.
I saw the tiredness.
I saw the depths of fatigue that come from resisting ones self for so long.
I saw the desperation. But this was not desperation to hide… This was beneath that.
This was desperation to be seen.
And still I waited for I knew to approach would unleash more than she – than I – had the energy to endure. And slowly, oh so slowly, she began to rise to her feet. And her legs wobbled and her hands shook and yet there was a certainty running through her that made my heart skip a beat.
She took a step. And then another, and another. And before I knew it she was there beside me, her head leaning against my chest, her whole being gently pulsing. And as I began to slowly move to wrap my arms around her, I felt her enter me. The warmth and divine strength of her engulfed me from the inside out as she swam through my veins and found her way back into my heart. And there she rested, curled up safely, guarding me, holding me, loving me, in her true form of courage, and love, and peace, and tenacity, and gusto, and joy, and light, and trust, and faith, for fear is never what we think it is. And occasionally she stirred and stretched and surveyed the scene outside of her solace, but mostly she lay peacefully, knowing she was seen, knowing she was welcome, knowing she was home.
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