Writings

There’s feeling there but I can’t quite touch it. It haunts me. Just out of reach. It threatens my eyes and teeters on the edges of my awareness, but it won’t quite enter.
And so I wait.
And it peers round the corners, seeing if I am still noticing, if I am still willing. And I acknowledge it with an opening from the inside out saying welcome, you are welcome.
And tentatively, it begins to test the waters an venture out from behind its safety net, sticking one limb at a time out, not quite wanting to risk the open space, not trusting it.
And I wait.
I feel it.
It’s closer.
But it isn’t what it first looked like.
Once more what had appeared like one feeling had turned out to be another once allowed to be.
What looked like grief turned itself into gratitude and relief upon closer inspection.
This was the best of both worlds.
I had had enough of the pain, and of the exquisite love. My heart didn’t need to bear it anymore. Not on this visit.
This time I got to bear witness. To share in it. To feel it. But to not be consumed by it.
I always thought I would be.
It was one of those things I thought was a certainty and as with all the other certainties has turned into one of the few things that will never be, at least not in the way I first conceived it.
Maybe that’s the way of all things.
Forever flowing.
Forever changing.
Never solid.
Always moving.
Vibrating to be heard.
Fluxing.
Fluid.
Free.

I rise up from the surface entering the depths of be-ing.
And in the seeing,
I am chaos
Mixed with timing so precise
This life
Filled with spirals and with flames
I proclaim
That my center is my heart
I depart
From these lines
They are no longer mine
For I am thine
In the power and the glory
I abhor thee
This creatrix made of flesh
And in the making of the altar, I tremble and detest
For I am freedom
Not confined to mattered space
I deface
These lines
I replace
These confines
I mark the map with blood
Drawn from the holy mother
The other
This earth who birthed my soul
I am sold
To the life in which I breathe
And in the dark my silence speaks
And I am free to be
I reprieve
For my sanity’s at stake
And in the wake
The waves lift me
The rift shifts me
And I breathe
In the circles of the spheres
I appear
Above the depths of being
I am seeing
This Earth, this life, my blood
Each thud
Of the broken hearted beat
I defeat
And I take another step
I am met
By the light and by the dark
In the wisdom of the hour
I hear the fatal spark
And in the sparking of the latest death
The healer comes to life
And in the coming of the birthing
There endeth all the strife
In the portent of becoming
My spirit is released
And in the silence of the afterbirth
My soul is now at peace.

I am in the belly of the whale, and I do not know where it is taking me.
Any choice in surrender has been taken out of my hands and into the guts of a Divine carrier, encompassing me within its flesh with the warmth and nourishment of the womb of the Mother.
And there is peace here. Despite the deafening noise of the chewing to pieces and digestion and processing of the world around me, there is peace. Amongst all the movement, all the change, all the comings and goings beyond my control and seeming comprehension, there is a stillness.
I am still, and yet I am constantly moving.
Life is taking me through the waves, safely held within its grasp.
And so I await the next rebirth, and the next, and the next.
For it is a never-ending process of birth, death and rebirth.
How will I be born next?
What will have been shed and what will have grown?
What form shall the flight take this time?
For I will fly; be it on the back of the dragon, or through the veins of my being, I will fly. Sailing with the fiery grounding of the breath.
I shall not stay tethered to the lines that seek to hold me, for I am held by the matter of Nature. I have no need for the straight when the waves, the spirals are the driving force, and the net provides the Divine with a playing field within me to dance and swing and clamber and slide and climb upon.
I am held.
From the inside out, I am held.
And so I sit within the confines of the Beast, knowing that just for now, it’s boundaries are the way to greater freedom, accepting the simplicity of my surroundings and grateful for the protection from the bellowing of the world outside.
I do not wish to be low inside, but sometimes going down is the only way to reach the place that catapults us into the next arising.
And I will rise.
For as the phoenix finds life in the ashes, I find the spark within the darkness. I seek the jewel within the blackness that shines with the depth only the darkest night may bring. The exquisite sheen of a stone drenched in the oceanic reaches of Knowing, its beauty fleeting as the Sun fades it back into the Unknowing.
But the secret of the Unknown, the thing we fear most, is its limitless potential. The potency of the lessened limits so strong we fear we may be rendered lifeless by its power. Oh what fallacy this is. The Unknown seeks only to welcome us to its Mystery, for not all can be Known or what would ever be the point? Where would be the joy? Where would be the discovery and the seeking and the glorious anticipation?
Where would be the breaks for the Light to get in?
Where would be the darkness for the colour to become?
Where would be the space for love to fill?
And each separation is a preparation; a void for more to be.
Each time between is an invitation back into the heart of the matter so that we may become again enlivened and enriched as we are birthed back from time within the embrace of the Creator.
So be created.

My veins run with the power of God. She flows through me with a ferocious gentleness that brings life in such abundance that it spills out of me into everything I touch, everything I see. She is me, and I am Her. Bound in love, held in grace. How can I doubt when She loves me so deeply that it is Her very pulses that give me life and allow me to feel. She is my mother, my sister, my lover, my friend, my solace, my teacher, my challenger. She is All. She is in me and through me and with me always in all ways. I am in glorious surrender to the passion of Her loving embrace and I never need anything else. I fear nothing, for She is all, and if She is all, what can there be to fear?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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She came and She stripped away every single piece of me. She left me raw, broken, crying, hurting, shaking on the floor with nowhere left to run. My thinking had abandoned me and I could no longer run there. There were no other people available in that moment for me to hide behind. There was just me.. And Her. And in that second She looked like the most beautiful and the most terrifying thing I had ever seen. And I have known Her for a long time. She IS me after all. Just as She is all else. And I stood before Her, quivering, desperately wanting to run to her, but frozen in time, unable to move, my heart beating so loud I could hear nothing but the drumming of it in my chest. And in that moment, I felt something familiar, something I knew.. Something. I felt something. And it wasn’t something with a name or a label, or a set of instructions… It was something bigger and deeper than the words. It was something Real. It was something True. It was Life. And in that moment She came to me, and She was in me, and through me and with me, and all the fear and the pain and the tension and the sorrow fell out of me, and in Her it became music and light and passion and art and beauty and dance and I saw it was all part of the bigger picture.. The art only the Gods are able to see clearly. For we are part of the great dance, part of the picture, we cannot see it for we are IN it. And I want to play my part well. I want to keep showing up and being all that is asked of me. And sometime the most beautiful, moving, transformative pieces of a masterpiece are the ones that rip you to shreds and smash you so far open that you are never the same afterwards. That’s good art. The pieces that touch you so deeply you are forever changed. And in that moment, She smiled, because She saw I understood. That I knew all I needed to know. And I smiled too, for I saw the parts had all been played absolutely perfectly, precisely, and with grace, honour and love. And I sent thanks via the heart threads to those who shared the stage with me, and then I lay back, and enjoyed the peace before the next act. For this show is never done… This show of life. It is always in all ways. It never ends. No, this is the eternal dance. Sometimes we are centre stage, and sometimes we are in the wings, waiting for our big moments, and sometimes we are witness to other people’s scenes to give them the perspective they cannot see from the place in the cast.. But step back further, and there are the stage hands and lighting engineers and sound people and ticket merchants, and the people who built the building, and the ones who formed the idea, and you see none of it is more or less important than any other part of it.. We need it ALL to create the Whole. So, to quote someone else’s wisdom “We all become important, when we realise our goal should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole..” So what’s my act? What’s my magic show? What’s my part? And will I bring it? Will I be it? In All its aspects? I will keep striving to be the very best I can be, for God is watching, and I want to give Her a good show. For one day, I will go Home to Her, and I want Her to say “You did good, my Love, you did good.”
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If reposting/sharing, please credit this page fully. Please do not post on websites, blogs etc without prior permission from the author. Thank you. © Copyright 2016 Where Divine Fire Glows

I raised my eyes skyward briefly, knowing I would need the encouragement of Space, let out a deep, long breath, gathered all I had left within, turned around and faced anger. I looked closer, not wanting to trust my vision at first, though I knew it to be true.. Nestled behind her I found fear.
Fear was throwing things and screaming and shouting and pushing and doing anything and everything she could so she was not seen or felt or touched. And she was so desperate to not be known that she used everything within her power to morph into anger so I would not suspect it was her beneath. And as she threw and punched and yelled and kicked she went farther and farther back into the dark; begging to whatever Gods she no longer believed in that I would not dare turn and look for her. And as I approached, her eyes flicked left and right and up and down and were all whites and no pupil and no colour and it seemed as if she were desperately searching for something to grasp but was finding nothing worthy of her trust. And she clamoured for truth and she cried for faith and she begged for mercy to come… But none came.
There was just me.
And her.
I sat down where I was, a fair distance away, and became as quiet as I could. Just breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out.
And I waited.
I asked nothing of her. I let her keep screaming. I knew that height of feeling could only last so long.
And I waited.
Gradually tears began to replace the rage. At first they came in waves so powerful she would rear up and kick out once again with the force of a thousand stallions, not wanting to be grounded and to admit she was so tired of fighting.
And I waited.
Slowly the tears gripped her body tighter and the waves became her flesh and she juddered and shook and held her breath thinking this would somehow help. She screwed her eyes tight shut hoping against hope that if she couldn’t see, then she could not be seen. But the breath still came and eventually her eyes opened.
I saw the tiredness.
I saw the depths of fatigue that come from resisting ones self for so long.
I saw the desperation. But this was not desperation to hide… This was beneath that.
This was desperation to be seen.
And still I waited for I knew to approach would unleash more than she – than I – had the energy to endure. And slowly, oh so slowly, she began to rise to her feet. And her legs wobbled and her hands shook and yet there was a certainty running through her that made my heart skip a beat.
She took a step. And then another, and another. And before I knew it she was there beside me, her head leaning against my chest, her whole being gently pulsing. And as I began to slowly move to wrap my arms around her, I felt her enter me. The warmth and divine strength of her engulfed me from the inside out as she swam through my veins and found her way back into my heart. And there she rested, curled up safely, guarding me, holding me, loving me, in her true form of courage, and love, and peace, and tenacity, and gusto, and joy, and light, and trust, and faith, for fear is never what we think it is. And occasionally she stirred and stretched and surveyed the scene outside of her solace, but mostly she lay peacefully, knowing she was seen, knowing she was welcome, knowing she was home.
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If reposting/sharing, please credit this page fully. Please do not post on websites, blogs etc without prior permission from the author. Thank you. © Copyright 2016 Where Divine Fire Glows

I carry the wolf with me.
The mother. The protector. The leader. The one who belongs and is welcomed. The one who never abandons, who never leaves behind. Who leads from the rear and loves until it kills her. She howls to the skies and embodies the power of the lunar. Her eyes flash with the light of the nighttime; the light only trained eyes can see. She watches and waits, patience unending. Knowing. Listening. Seeing. Feeling. Her movements are lithe and her body is honed. Her spirit is strong and her touch gentle. But do not threaten those that she loves. Do not come too close. Do not hurt them. Or you will pay her price and her price is high. She will not come when you expect, nor how you expect. She will come softly at first, and then harder, and harder, taking every inch of you with her for she knows each and every piece of you. She will entice you; she will astound you; she will render you speechless and hopeless as she takes you, wholly, fully, completely. And as you are in the throes of her, she will smile with the smile only she knows how to use, and she will look to the skies and raise her voice to the moon. And in that moment all will be illuminated, all will be known. And she will leave you wanting. Always wanting.

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She was born of many women, birthed from the great silence of the void. She did not know her own secrets until they exploded like a volcano from within her and spewed out their truths with the force of a thousand fire balls. And they burned as they came. Hot, needing, sharp, pleading. She tried to grasp a hold of them as they flew, desperately trying to find something solid in amongst the flames. But you cannot hold fire any more than you can grip onto water. Some things are not meant to be held. And so with scalded hands she surrendered and instead of fighting the fire she flowed with it, letting it consume her from the inside out and beyond. It burned with a ferocity she had never known. Yet the colours, the patterns, the rhythms, the sounds, the feeling… It was oh so familiar. It felt known somehow. She stood within the fire and felt her spirit rise. She was transformed like the phoenix and arose with the dragon at her back. And then she stood amongst the fire, the heat of it powering her glorious heart smile, and she glowed. For she knew then.
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If reposting/sharing, please credit this page fully. Please do not post on websites, blogs etc without prior permission from the author. Thank you. © Copyright 2016 Where Divine Fire Glows

Come to the centre and flow with the heat,
The earthsong, the rhythm, the heart; beat on beat,
Come to the spiral, and ride on the waves,
Dervishly dancing through dark daylit days.
Come to the darkness, the sorrow, the fear,
Bring all the pieces you think you hold dear,
Come to the moonlight, the clearness, the loon,
Come to the sanity you’ll wish you’d lost soon,
Come to the endings, the loss and the pain,
Come to the startlines, the yets, the agains,
Come to the parting, the leaving, the edge,
Quiver and quake as you cling to the ledge,
Come to the falling, the rushing of air,
Come to the moment where you forget how to care
Come to the craving, the desperate, the clutch.
Come to the not enough, screaming, too much,
Come to the answers that don’t come in words,
Come to the sense in the silence you heard,
Come to the peacefulness made out of noise,
Come to the depravity captured in poise
Come to the freedom that isn’t how you expected,
Come to the mirror, see your beauty reflected,
Come to the surface, and break through and breathe,
Come to the underworld, feel all that you grieve,
Come to the sentiments lost in translation,
Come to the barbs of illusory elation,
Come to the things that you long to keep hidden
Come to the playful, the joy you’ve been bidden
Come to the willingness, the need, the desire,
Come to the water, air, earth, soul and fire,
Come to my shoulder and rest for awhile,
Come to my touch, to the look that beguiles,
Come to my openness, meet me in the field,
Come to my lockdown, trust me to yield
Come to surrender, and lay down your arms
Come to your knees, full of thought drenched alarms
Come to the Goddess, battered and bleeding,
Come to Her knowing, and wanting, and needing.
Come let Her lead you to the place you have lost,
That was forced down and stuffed, irrelevant of cost,
And the cost was not outward, it was of your own,
It was the fibres that tightened, and pulled on your bones,
The ratchets that slowly wound up and restricted,
The tiredness, pain, aches, all that’s afflicted
The pressure, the pulsing, the ticking inside,
Things you tried and tried harder that you thought had long died
Come home to your own self, stand true and well,
See the truth of the saying that heaven is hell
And hell is just heaven turned upside down,
The love’s still the same, just a different way round
There is nothing else, all is the One,
The trueness, the youness, to which we succumb,
Join with the Real, boom with the new,
That glitters and giggles with the Old shining through
Come to the centre, the temple, the Home
And laugh with relief that you’re never alone.
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If reposting/sharing, please credit this page fully. Please do not post on websites, blogs etc without prior permission from the author. Thank you. © Copyright 2017 Where Divine Fire Glows